"Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than to cry all alone "
He was very happy today. After a long while he got an appreciation for his work on the job. This meant a lot to him and may result in a promotion. The moment he finished out his meeting he knew he had scored. "Bulls eye" was the word perhaps. A smile couldnt hide on his lips as he moved towards his cabin. It seemed a whole dream come true to him and he was still day-dreaming when he crossed a few cubicles. In his eyes he wore a strange look. An "ask-me-what's-new" kind of expression dominated his smile. Though he was a bit disappointed when no one asked him the matter but it was okay for him. Okay for him because he knew that his collegues will find it soon. Infact, it did'nt bothered him much. He was anxious just to tell her how great he felt after the meeting. He took out his phone and thought of dialling home but stopped midway. It was already 5 pm.
He rang the door bell. Once, pause, twice, pause, thrice, pause again. "God!!!", he thought. After he had decided not to inform her on phone but to tell her face-to-face, his smile was not mere hidden. All across the way he was thinking how would he tell her. How best could he alter his words and make them dramatic so that she hugs her in joy? Should he tell her in a casual tone? No, no... it wont work. she knows him very well so he cant hide his smile. Then how? Should he scare her that the meeting was a failure and then break the news? Hmm..... may be..
He couldn't sleep well. It had been 8 hrs since he rang the doorbell of his own house. Why did she have to do this everytime? Cant she even see a single smile on his face? He asked for nothing, just a few words of appreciation. Couldnt she see him in pain when he had high fever but still worked hard? All he asked for were a few words. Not even words, if she was that much jealous then atleast a smile would have done. But no, she didnt care for him at all. She cannot feel his emotions unless she experiences herself. But how? He must do something.....something to teach her how he felt. Mind games huh!!! Let him show how he plays these games.
He was tired now. His mind was giving over his heart. He felt a terrible pain inside. Not a pain that one gets physically, but a mental pain. The feeling of suffocation and helplessness. He couldnt take it anymore, neither could his eyes take any pain. He turned again on his bed in an attempt to seek comfort but found no difference. Only if he could leave her on her own.... But why? why was he thinking all this? he loved her, right? Is the love fading away? no, not at all. Why was he thinking all this at the first place? Is it her fault that she cant understand what ordinary people cognize? May be its one of the times when she acted like a kid. And a kid has its own world, right? That means only one thing... he is changing. Its not she, but he who is changing. She is unable to feel but he is sane. Similar words revolved around in his mind and slowly the environment became dark..................................
He could see nothing in her eyes. not even her trademark twinkle. Not even the sorrow that made her eyes moist. This time she was blank. A "stone" could be appropriate word but unacceptable to him. There on sofa she layed thinking something... or may be hallucinating a new story. He had no idea what she was upto when she lay there in her usual posture. All he could see were marks of strain on her face which made her look much older. All he that was running in his mind was a self-question. Should he break her silence by chatting something abstract? He had done it many times but it required a lot of energy from within. He had to fight with his mood so that his frustration does not become obvious on his face. He realized that he had no energy, neither a mood to create a topic now. He felt helpless. Disturbing her may lead to another series of depression.
But it wasnt her fault afterall. She loved him so much that when he had to go away from her for some time, she missed him hard. She missed him so much that her innocence turned up in depression. His mind recollected the scene when the doctor asked him to take extra care of hers. She was not same now and was a burden on him. Emotional and mental burden. But, is "burden" a right word? There was no fault of her's. Could he say that she deliberately loved him so much that she couldnt live without him? No, not again. She is as innocent as child. It was his fault that he expected her to react happily after his success in office meeting. He knew it right away from the starting, right? He should have understood her.
.............................. The alarm bell rang in its usual loud tone. He woke up suddenly and felt a terrible headache. He had been dreaming whole night. Or was it a nightmare? He knew at once that he cant afford to cry or break. He had a huge responsibility on him which he loved to carry. It had to be his passion. He woke up and saw her. She was still sleeping under the medicine dosage. She always slept longer because that's what was needed for her health. It had been long since he saw her awake in the morning. Even the doorbell had to be ringed many times in evening to wake her up from her afternoon medicinal sleep. He got ready for work and kissed on her forehead before leaving. She still slept... "Stone" he remembered.
His head banged again with headache while he was on his way to office. He should not leave patience. He should have understood her condition yesterday. But why he always had to adjust? He was still young. Forget whole life, he deserved to enjoy atleast one moment of his life. But why he??
He has desires too............. right?
He rang the door bell. Once, pause, twice, pause, thrice, pause again. "God!!!", he thought. After he had decided not to inform her on phone but to tell her face-to-face, his smile was not mere hidden. All across the way he was thinking how would he tell her. How best could he alter his words and make them dramatic so that she hugs her in joy? Should he tell her in a casual tone? No, no... it wont work. she knows him very well so he cant hide his smile. Then how? Should he scare her that the meeting was a failure and then break the news? Hmm..... may be..
He couldn't sleep well. It had been 8 hrs since he rang the doorbell of his own house. Why did she have to do this everytime? Cant she even see a single smile on his face? He asked for nothing, just a few words of appreciation. Couldnt she see him in pain when he had high fever but still worked hard? All he asked for were a few words. Not even words, if she was that much jealous then atleast a smile would have done. But no, she didnt care for him at all. She cannot feel his emotions unless she experiences herself. But how? He must do something.....something to teach her how he felt. Mind games huh!!! Let him show how he plays these games.
He was tired now. His mind was giving over his heart. He felt a terrible pain inside. Not a pain that one gets physically, but a mental pain. The feeling of suffocation and helplessness. He couldnt take it anymore, neither could his eyes take any pain. He turned again on his bed in an attempt to seek comfort but found no difference. Only if he could leave her on her own.... But why? why was he thinking all this? he loved her, right? Is the love fading away? no, not at all. Why was he thinking all this at the first place? Is it her fault that she cant understand what ordinary people cognize? May be its one of the times when she acted like a kid. And a kid has its own world, right? That means only one thing... he is changing. Its not she, but he who is changing. She is unable to feel but he is sane. Similar words revolved around in his mind and slowly the environment became dark..................................
He could see nothing in her eyes. not even her trademark twinkle. Not even the sorrow that made her eyes moist. This time she was blank. A "stone" could be appropriate word but unacceptable to him. There on sofa she layed thinking something... or may be hallucinating a new story. He had no idea what she was upto when she lay there in her usual posture. All he could see were marks of strain on her face which made her look much older. All he that was running in his mind was a self-question. Should he break her silence by chatting something abstract? He had done it many times but it required a lot of energy from within. He had to fight with his mood so that his frustration does not become obvious on his face. He realized that he had no energy, neither a mood to create a topic now. He felt helpless. Disturbing her may lead to another series of depression.
But it wasnt her fault afterall. She loved him so much that when he had to go away from her for some time, she missed him hard. She missed him so much that her innocence turned up in depression. His mind recollected the scene when the doctor asked him to take extra care of hers. She was not same now and was a burden on him. Emotional and mental burden. But, is "burden" a right word? There was no fault of her's. Could he say that she deliberately loved him so much that she couldnt live without him? No, not again. She is as innocent as child. It was his fault that he expected her to react happily after his success in office meeting. He knew it right away from the starting, right? He should have understood her.
.............................. The alarm bell rang in its usual loud tone. He woke up suddenly and felt a terrible headache. He had been dreaming whole night. Or was it a nightmare? He knew at once that he cant afford to cry or break. He had a huge responsibility on him which he loved to carry. It had to be his passion. He woke up and saw her. She was still sleeping under the medicine dosage. She always slept longer because that's what was needed for her health. It had been long since he saw her awake in the morning. Even the doorbell had to be ringed many times in evening to wake her up from her afternoon medicinal sleep. He got ready for work and kissed on her forehead before leaving. She still slept... "Stone" he remembered.
His head banged again with headache while he was on his way to office. He should not leave patience. He should have understood her condition yesterday. But why he always had to adjust? He was still young. Forget whole life, he deserved to enjoy atleast one moment of his life. But why he??
He has desires too............. right?
2 comments:
Winkenhareent
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WetallepleKen
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