Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone than crying alone

Out of the blue and deep in your thoughts you suddenly encounter old flashes of memories in your mind. It was one of these occasions that brought me back into the world where I made my home a few years ago. Imaginary as a castle of cards, this world of mine is fragile yet beautiful whenever I venture inside my thoughts. This is a place where the difference between “I” and “us” brings a real meaning to my existence.  Clouded deep inside my thoughts, this imaginary palace is far bigger than my imagination. It is a place where I am what I am.

Cannot precisely remember when and why this happened but this imaginary world of mine suddenly re-appeared in-front of me tonight after a wait of 6 long years. I have achieved and lost a lot during these years. I do not know if I lost more than I achieved but strangely I have never been more satisfied with my life. On a hind-sight when I see a young me writing about a random thought, I feel that I have travelled a long way in life. Years of heat and dust has made me more and more materialistic in life. I am more confident with every string of graying hair. These years gave new dimension to my life when I had to make certain decisions to keep things going.

But……….. these decisions were meant to be made the way I made. Did I have any other choice? No.

My imaginary world has taken a different shape tonight. Priorities change with time when you start taking decisions for others knowing fully of the consequences. Is this the reason why am I scared when I am alone in my thoughts?

Life teaches us to take tough decisions. What would you do if you want to cry but you know that tears will only lead to more tears in the eyes of your loved ones? Would you allow your loved ones to cry just to relieve yourself with your emotions? Or would you sacrifice your tears once again for the happiness of someone else?

I wish there was an answer. But this is a world that sees no black or white. Every shade is a shade of gray here. You have to laugh while crying and you have to cry while laughing. The castle of my thoughts needs to remain buried in my heart.

Once again I realize that I am happier when I hold my tears.